This week's Fragment is a doozy.
Why must i keep earning my keep?
#014 / 2022
When I wrote this, I was thinking specifically about the performative nature of religion and my experience with Christian Evangelicalism. There are several other clear applications for this line — family dynamics, parental relationships, working a job, maintaining friendships, etc.
But for a while now, I've been exploring another arena in which I constantly feel I must "earn my keep" — my relationship with myself.
I'm about two thirds of the way through a documentary by Jonah Hill called "Stutz." The format is so creative. Hill interviews his own therapist, Philip Stutz, simultaneously extracting Stutz's personal story and practical strategies for handling the shit life throws at us all. You even get some insight into Jonah's own life story. (After falling in love with his directing in "Mid90s," I knew this Jonah Hill project would be a deep and rewarding experience.)
In the film, Stutz describes a strategy for confronting the part(s) of yourself you are most ashamed of, called "The Shadow." I've also heard the term "Shadow Work" as a reference to this same exercise.
I began the process of confronting my own shadow in therapy since September of 2020. I still feel like I have a ways to go, but this work has led me down a long path of deep introspection. The path is by no means linear. In fact, it's more like walking into and through a dark cloud than following a winding path. Yeah, a cloud — that's a better analogy.
Some questions this process illuminated for me:
What events led to the existence of my shadow?
Why am I ashamed of it?
What would it take to accept (or even heal) this part of me?
What current behaviors and patterns of thinking have resulted from the shame I have towards my shadow?
The decision to open this intimate and personal "can of worms" is leading me through some dark places I never expected. But the light on the other side will be well worth the journey.
Shame is the most destructive feeling in the human experience. I believe that 100%. So here's to the never-ending, exhausting, lonely, gut-wrenching process of destroying it.
I still feel like I'm striving to "earn my keep" because I'm still learning what it means to love myself fully.
Before I let you go, a quick reflection: Where in your life do you feel the most shame, embarrassment, or self-hatred? Is it time to embark on a journey to get rid of it? Pause and answer this for yourself. If you feel like sharing you can reply to this email. (I'll give you my answer if you ask!)
Thank you for joining me.
See you next Tuesday,
Benny
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